I remember a time when we were good. Great even. Look at us now. You’re fine, I’m sure. You’re ok, I know. For you, I was fleeting, came and gone, no matter. No skin off your nose, as they say.
But for me? Oh wow, for me, you were so much. Never had I seen a soul so deep. Do you know how much you’ve meant to me. How crazy you’ve made me. I’m consumed by you. And that’s probably why you detest me. That’s definitely why I ‘creep’ you out.
That’s probably why you hurt me over and over and over. And over. They say love is pain. Its when you’re alone and you cry till your eyes are puffy because you’ve drained out all the water and there’s nothing left but salt. Salty bitterness. And although you’ve tried hiding it, by crying alone, people know when they see your eyes. When they see my eyes.
I remember a time when you treated me like a princess. Making sure I was looked after, happy. Waiting on me almost. Worried when you thought I was blue.
And now look at us. Now you’re the reason I’m unhappy. Now you’re the reason almost every loving, caring, happy part of me has died.
I remember a time when you were scared of losing me. You were so careful with your words. You were even a bit anxious that I’d be gone. And lord knows you never get anxious. I remember you looking at me and saying friendships aren’t supposed to be fickle, that we had something strong.
But now look at us. You couldn’t wait to dispose of me. You willingly burnt your bridges with me. And you said it was because you can’t stop harming me. That I care too much. That I’m too sensitive. That it’s because of me. It’s all my fault.
I remember when you understood me. When you told me it was rare to find someone that you had so much in common with. When you could look at me and tell that I didn’t like the restaurant you took me too. When you could tell I didn’t like the song you linked me to, even though you were an hour and a half away from me.
But now look at us. Now you say I’m confusing, I’m a roller coaster. I’m intense and we’re a ‘bad combo’.
And you’re so confusing for me. So warm, then in an instant so cold. Makes me wonder, did you ever even want me? or were my years with you nothing but a mental game?
Because if it was, I’m pathetic enough to be ok with it, to want you back regardless, to have your hand in mine again, to dance with you again, to feel you again, to hold you again. I’m pathetic enough to want to do it all again, so that I could have you. Because life without you, after having tasted you, is unbearable. Life without you, after letting you deep within me, is unimaginable.
Life without you, after knowing someone such as you exists, is unmeaningful.
Even though to you I was nothing, to me you were an awakening, a whole new world, a dream I didn’t know I harboured, and the essence of everything I didn’t know I wanted.
If only I could be something to you.